If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
You Might Also Like
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
no refunds
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”