If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
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Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]