If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
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When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.