If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”