[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
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Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?