If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
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On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on