If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
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She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS