If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
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Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back