If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
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Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.