if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
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*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
damn he’s good
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.