If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
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“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.