@SamGrittner

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

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@SheOverAnalyzes

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

@_Vaginasaurus

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

@

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

@gkaluma

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

@ddsmidt

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

@slaughthie

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

@tamytoo2

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

@QueenVofCoffee

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.