Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
You Might Also Like
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.