If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
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We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?