If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
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[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.