If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
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Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
oppen heimer style lol
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.