If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
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Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Midwest trash talk
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”