If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
You Might Also Like
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
December birthdays be like…
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
the #horror is real!
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.