If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
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Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Every time.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.