If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
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I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?