If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
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Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I hope this email finds you in a well
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch