If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
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DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
From my Mom
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u