If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
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Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.