If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
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The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.