If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
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6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Incredible customer service.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me