If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
You Might Also Like
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.