If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
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Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.