If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
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Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Wait a minute
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Happy thanksgiving!
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.