If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
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I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.