If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
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I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”