If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
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Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”