if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
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He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.