If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
You Might Also Like
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”