If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
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[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.