If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
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Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
what the
So many pants.
So little yoga.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.