If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
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Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
oh shit
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
My flabber has been gasted.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it