If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
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When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Me recordaron éste meme
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.