If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
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The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.