@gilmgilmgilm

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

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@ZackBornstein

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

@markedly

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

@That_Damn_Duck

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

@MrsGoose69

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

@TheAndrewNadeau

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

@sarcasticmommy4

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

@junejuly12

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

@rockymomax

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

@PaperWash

[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob