If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

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GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas


*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*


My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.


Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.


INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?


I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?


People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old


[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”


[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob