@ZackBornstein GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
@gilmgilmgilm If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
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@ZackBornstein 
@markedly *storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
@That_Damn_Duck My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
@MrsGoose69 Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
@TheAndrewNadeau INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
@sarcasticmommy4 I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
@junejuly12 People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
@rockymomax [i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
@PaperWash [stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
@SentenceReduced Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.