If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
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The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.