If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
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You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
This is true.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.