@HollyMemphis

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

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@ColoradoUgly

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@Rollmaninoz

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

@ATRightMovies

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

@ilovepie84

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

@gerryhallcomedy

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

@omically

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

@meganamram

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

@WilliamAder

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

@Tommytoughstuff

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”