If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
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Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem