If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
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My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
uncle dave has been through hell
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.