If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
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Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*