If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
You Might Also Like
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
is this how new cars are made??
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.