@SamSkoronski

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

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@somecleverthing

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

@E_lok44

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

@RiotGrlErin

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

@IvoryGazelle

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

@T_Bonezzz_

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

@CVTBaby

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.