If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
You Might Also Like
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
BaD BoY!!
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode