If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
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[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
If snakes were wide
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]