@AnitaHelmet

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

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@QwertyJones3

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

@BillWeirCNN

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

@_SingleBabyMama

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

@kryzazzy

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

@othersome

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

@TheBoydP

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

@GinAndJif

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

@_Tempo11

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

@thetigersez

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.