@QwertyJones3 “Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
@AnitaHelmet If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
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@QwertyJones3 
@BillWeirCNN Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
@_SingleBabyMama After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
@kryzazzy Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
@othersome the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
@TheBoydP The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
@GinAndJif SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
@_Tempo11 My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
@thetigersez Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
@Home_Halfway “I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well