If only
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: what鈥檚 your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what鈥檚 your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven鈥檛 started.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I feel this so hard
The dark side of Canada
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
馃槵
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here鈥檚 the thing uh now鈥檚 not a good time
Google assistant rules
My dad鈥檚 advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants