If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
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cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought