If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
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I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’