If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
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On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.